by Tilo Schwarz | Inside Coaching Kata
Why is a tricky word, and I've seen it cause unintended accidents.
When encountering the unexpected—especially the unpleasantly surprising, it easily escapes our lips – why?
Seldom producing the intended, understanding how things came to pass, what initially caused the situation, and—above all—help improve next time.
At Risk with “Why”
Asking why too soon can touch on feelings; maybe triggering childhood memories:
“Why did you forget to wash your hands?”
“Why did you fail the test?”
“Why did you drop the glass?”
In the heat of the moment, “why” can feel judgmental—regardless of our intent.
Why, is tricky. It pushes the other person to find a reason before they’ve even processed what happened. Instead of helping them move forward, it forces them to justify, analyze, and defend—all while still coping with emotions, frustration, confusion, fear, trying to wrap their mind around what happened. If we immediately push for the cause, we’re not helping to cope.
Let the “Why” reveal itself
The solution here is to catch yourself when the “why” is about to escape. Pause, take a breath—then shift to what and how.
“What happened?”
“How did it happen?”
These are wonderful discussion starters—practical vessels we can fill with compassion and curiosity. They create space and an upward path for reflection, learning and change.
“What did you learn?”
“What is your next step?”
When we spend time listening, with compassion, to the what and how, reflection can emerge. And then – maybe then – the soil is ready to embrace a seed: “What will you do different next time?”